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Breaking the Validation of Identity

Growing up (and, until just recently) I had an image of a god that was fairly cut and dry. It wasn’t very complicated, and allowed me to wrap my naive young brain around. It was a god that I had created simply to validate my own identity. It was a god that I attempted to wrap logic around. It was a god that I didn’t ask questions about, but rather drew my own conclusions. It was a god that I thought that I had all figured out.

I have issues with control. If we’re being honest with ourselves, we all do. It’s something that has haunted us since the Fall of Man. And, I am certainly no exception to the fact.

I had a god that I controlled. I had a god that I could put inside a nice box and set on the shelf that was my life, ready to be accessed at any point; but only when necessary, of course. There, he sat next to my box of schoolwork, friends, relationships, etc. Those boxes didn’t mix, though. Or, rather, I didn’t allow them. That would require me to release the control I had so immaturely gained of my life. I would lose the order that I had so marvelously organized all by me, myself, and I. I was somewhat of a control freak.

I would take those boxes and attempt to use them to fill this enormous void in my heart. It’s a void that can’t be expressed in words, except to say that it is a very difficult one to fill. It was both the eye of a needle, and an enormous chasm (simple enough, right?). Much of my life consisted of attempts at filling that void (and, as far as I was concerned at the time, they were successful attempts). I soon developed a dependency upon these “boxes.” I was comfortable. Beyond comfortable. I had control. I was in control. I had things figured out. I had a god who existed simply to validate my own identity.

That would soon change; and, radically, at that. A few months ago I reached an emotional and spiritual low-point in the realization of how empty those dependencies can leave you. You never realize how far off the countless attempts you aim towards filling that enormous intricate void are in that moment. Its only after a radical realization of despair in the face of reality do we realize that we’ve messed up. How out of control you are.

Think of it like this:  you’re standing in your front driveway throwing a ball (if you’re me or an insanely hyper-active young boy, it’s more likely to be rocks) over your roof into a trashcan in the backyard. You can’t see if they go in or not, but there are those throws that you know are destined to go straight to the bottom of that beautiful aluminum goal. Occasionally, you might even hear a promising clank of it hitting what you believe to be your target. But, upon entrance into the backyard you realize you were never even close to hitting the target. And, in fact, you caused some substantial damage and even broke some windows in the process. I had broken some windows. Some that, at the time, I would have told you were beyond repair.

But, that’s where this gets awesome. I stood there in my backyard, if you will, staring at all of the failed attempts; staring at all of the damage; staring at all of the boxes I’d thrown over in attempt to fill the void of that target; and, staring at my target, my void, stunned at the emptiness that still existed. And, I gave up. I let go. I realized that I couldn’t do it. That no matter how many times I attempted to launch these rocks, my horribly well organized boxes over the roof, I would miss every single time. That realization broke me. God broke me with a realization that was hidden behind an apathy of comfort; but only because he had something much more beautiful in store. Something that captured my imagination with an insatiable desire to fill that void with it’s rightful owner.

I believe God created us with that void. That eye of the needle. That expansive chasm. God created that in us so that He could fit there; so that He could unite us with the joy that is His beautiful presence and perfect nature. I’m not talking about happiness. Not that momentary, shallow, deceptive, fleeting earthly ‘feeling’ that seems to enamor us so endearingly. I’m talking about joy- that passes all knowledge and understanding. As imperfect beings trapped in this imperfect realm that we call earth, we do everything that we can to fill that void, beit with someone or something. We all try to use our pretty little boxes to bring us joy. Here’s the kicker: there is not one thing or one person on this entire planet that can fill that void, and provide us with that joy that God can so perfectly give to us. NOT ONE THING. You see it everywhere. People become so dependent upon things of this realm to find that joy. Let me tell you, you won’t find it.

Coming to that realization is not an easy thing to deal with. They say the first step to recovery is admitting there’s an issue (at least that’s what I’ve been told). Well, they’re right. And, that’s when God began to work in me. And, let me tell you did He work. His work is so eloquently described in the book of Job:

Job 5:18 “For he wounds, but he binds up; he shatters, but his hands heal.”

God was breaking me of these dependencies. He was “shattering” them, even. But, he was placing himself right at the center of the recovery. There’s nothing more humblingly beautiful than witnessing (feeling, even) God putting you back together. BUT, you can’t be bound back together until you’re broken. Allowing God to break you is one of the most difficult things He will ever ask us to do. It hurts. It’s not something that He intended for us to have to go through. But, the blame falls squarely upon our shoulders. It is completely our fault that this process even exists.

It was through this rebuilding process that I truly began to realize the nature of God. And, by realize, I mean: became absolutely blown away with how unfathomable everything about His character is. You begin to question how the aspects of God are even possible.

How He can so perfectly provide for His children. How He is such a beautiful image of jealousy that exists beyond our earthly comprehension. How He can be so powerful and yet so gentle. How He can be everywhere and one place, at the same time. How He exists in three Beings, but really only one. I think you see my point. Then, through this process of rebuilding this relationship I neglected for so long (sanctification, if you will) I realized I don’t want to know. I don’t need to know. I don’t want God to be able to be defined by logic. I don’t want God to exist within the parameters of this imperfect realm. We were commanded to not be of the world, so what’s the point in serving a God who is bound by it? What’s faith if you have all of the answers? Useless. That’s what.

My God is a God I will never be able to understand. My God is a God that will continue to blow my mind for the rest of eternity. My God is a God that is love. My God is a God that deserves faith beyond reality. My God is a God that doesn’t exist to validate my own identity, but rather a God that has an identity for me. My God is perfect. And, I can’t begin to describe how beautiful His work is.

You can’t fill that void with boxes. In fact, get rid of those boxes. God doesn’t need help organizing your life. He has a plan. A plan that is so perfect it would make your head explode. 

Jeremiah 29:11-14 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity…”

 God has a plan for us. But, those plans require us to let go, call upon Him, seek Him, and trust Him. I’m proud to say that I will always be a work in progress with which God is molding and revealing things to. But, I take in comfort in knowing that His way is perfect. Allow Him to break the validation you’ve created of your identity, and to begin His perfect work.

Isaiah 30:18 “Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all those who wait for Him.”